The only birthday you don’t celebrate traditionally is the one that you were actually born on

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Submitted December 01, 2023 at 12:13AM by Crimm___ https://ift.tt/IPdSAmr

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Sometimes you have to wait for the world to be it's darkest before you see the light.

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Submitted December 01, 2023 at 12:22AM by NSYK https://ift.tt/0NChGYm

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You're allowed to litter when you're hunting as long as it's just bullets that missed the target.

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Submitted November 30, 2023 at 01:01AM by diet-Coke-or-kill-me https://ift.tt/yBkscvZ

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The ego, is the most expensive thing

Humble people don't spend money on things they don't need

Submitted November 29, 2023 at 12:24AM by PMMEYOURPYTHONCODE https://ift.tt/sYHLnhv

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Nothing's stopping you from putting a disco ball in the living room

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Submitted November 28, 2023 at 01:22AM by delo357 https://ift.tt/XOoPrHy

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Once teleportation is invented, the dating pool will really open up.

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Submitted November 28, 2023 at 12:22AM by Bread_Responsible https://ift.tt/Cdi7lus

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The F word is the ultimate antinatalist curse word.

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Submitted November 27, 2023 at 12:02AM by wth-is-tenese-balb https://ift.tt/UB2oZtM

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TV commercials for visiting Las Vegas never show people gambling.

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Submitted November 27, 2023 at 12:10AM by JBStu https://ift.tt/M3jACWS

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Social Security is the ultimate pyramid scheme

We have to keep having kids to go into the workforce and pay for our retirement and they’ll have to have more kids to pay for their retirement.

Submitted November 26, 2023 at 12:00AM by DukeBonds https://ift.tt/Tf8a39l

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The older we get, the riskier 'your mom's jokes are

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Submitted November 25, 2023 at 12:20AM by Blamebostonx https://ift.tt/E7ydW0Z

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When you’re in your bed, your just Meat inside a giant sandwich

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Submitted November 24, 2023 at 12:23AM by Appropriate-Hat-7206 https://ift.tt/8ad6xhM

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Players in the Hunger Games have cameras on them while they shit

The camera people see EVERYTHING.

Submitted November 23, 2023 at 12:16AM by anonymous9995 https://ift.tt/WwA1BOU

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There will eventually be THE last day of school for humanity.

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Submitted November 22, 2023 at 12:26AM by insanityking500 https://ift.tt/ftg5p9d

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Most housewives can use a blade better than the average working man.

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Submitted November 21, 2023 at 01:46AM by Firelite67 https://ift.tt/bM1eRhD

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Most of us just trust that the weight that’s written on weights is accurate.

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Submitted November 21, 2023 at 12:28AM by Dor_42 https://ift.tt/lg8zrOF

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Most animals barely burp

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Submitted November 20, 2023 at 12:14AM by d4rthk1d https://ift.tt/lX5PIoz

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Every great leap forward for humanity was a result of fighting control, overcoming control, or despite control

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Submitted November 19, 2023 at 12:09AM by seobrien https://ift.tt/ForhETI

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Nothing bothers me, yes it does

Everyone is bothered by something whether it is annoying, loud, repetitive, dumb. People will get bothered one way or another.

Submitted November 18, 2023 at 12:26AM by starleobc https://ift.tt/l8dc7fH

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Body odor is what people are supposed to smell like. If you’re living in the prehistoric woods of the past you’d be able to smell if another human is nearby.

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Submitted November 17, 2023 at 01:38AM by gstroke45 https://ift.tt/JnXZ0BO

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The internet is the only place where you can be both a genius and an idiot within the same five minutes, depending on the order in which you click on links

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Submitted November 16, 2023 at 11:58PM by KrackSmellin https://ift.tt/0Ot5e6b

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Europe isn't actually a continent but everyone pretends it is

There is nothing physically separating Europe from Asia. At best it is a peninsula.

Submitted November 16, 2023 at 01:10AM by phantom881999 https://ift.tt/OA1lIFh

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Corn. The digestive timestamp of vegetables.

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Submitted November 16, 2023 at 12:25AM by kidhaggard https://ift.tt/EbcVSr7

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When a dog goes missing, humans search for it. When a human goes missing,dogs search

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Submitted November 15, 2023 at 12:22AM by NearlyHeadless-Brick https://ift.tt/Qa3yPV2

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Doing push-ups on a bench is in a way bench pressing

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Submitted November 15, 2023 at 12:23AM by SPatentas https://ift.tt/Ik1dEnH

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Any movement is cool if done in synchronization with other people

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Submitted November 13, 2023 at 11:51PM by UserMcUserson https://ift.tt/wYABOX2

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It’s more aggravating to miss the bus because it was early than to miss it because you were late.

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Submitted November 13, 2023 at 01:26AM by rabbitkingdom https://ift.tt/elx8Fv6

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We need money to buy a wallet to put our money in.

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Submitted November 13, 2023 at 12:02AM by souless_ambience https://ift.tt/09Lb8Rx

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I'm ready for autonomous car racing. Especially if they have battlebots-style weapons.

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Submitted November 12, 2023 at 12:14AM by I_make_things https://ift.tt/rORBq2j

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People that buy touch screen dashcams have inadvertently increased their chances of crashing.

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Submitted November 12, 2023 at 12:25AM by RandomBitFry https://ift.tt/d34jWox

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Hopefully a ghost looks hauntingly unfamiliar.

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Submitted November 11, 2023 at 01:16AM by SingLikeTinaTurner https://ift.tt/VC2SlHq

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Clubs have removed flat surfaces in toilets to make it harder to do coke but everyone carries a perfect surface with them at all times

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Submitted November 11, 2023 at 01:19AM by peyote-ugly https://ift.tt/UgV5wmL

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1(800) numbers really only benefit the older crowd… Non-cellular.

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Submitted November 11, 2023 at 12:42AM by DrRockBoognish https://ift.tt/DlKTbj2

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We've been using CGI to de-age actors for almost 20 years, and there still hasn't been a character that doesn't look like they're from the Polar Express

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Submitted November 10, 2023 at 12:23AM by Bumbaclotinator https://ift.tt/7KvVu0w

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On average, per sq.ft price of women’s clothing is much more than men’s.

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Submitted November 09, 2023 at 12:49AM by James_its_valtteri https://ift.tt/bsLfDuh

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Fossil fuels and coal are invasive rocks

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Submitted November 08, 2023 at 11:56PM by Badger_Nerd https://ift.tt/cEQeYN5

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The grape variety is essential for wine (chardonnay, sauvignon blanc, etc.), yet it is seldom mentioned while buying actual grapes.

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Submitted November 09, 2023 at 12:01AM by Lentilfairy https://ift.tt/pVgcyAk

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Most people only have pictures of how they looked before they were famous

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Submitted November 09, 2023 at 12:17AM by moneybot https://ift.tt/aRyVSiP

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The only reason dentistry hasn’t had any innovations these past decades is because most dentists don’t work in academic hospitals/dental schools where research is necessary and own there own private practice

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Submitted November 08, 2023 at 12:45AM by mrnoobmaster64 https://ift.tt/t59YGJm

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Inflation is a flat tax

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Submitted November 08, 2023 at 01:05AM by CoderJoe1 https://ift.tt/9CjRyKg

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Every tuna in oil was one tuna in water

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Submitted November 07, 2023 at 12:26AM by Ak171 https://ift.tt/JduGxyw

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That owl from the tootsie role pop commercial was an asshole

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Submitted November 06, 2023 at 01:24AM by m_and_t https://ift.tt/YzdLomf

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Before you begin anything, you have to prepare to begin, and before that, prepare to prepare etc

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Submitted November 06, 2023 at 12:13AM by pufballcat https://ift.tt/Ji8x6MW

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One day there will be a last person alive on Earth and the world will truly be there’s

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Submitted November 05, 2023 at 12:34AM by IAMCAV0N https://ift.tt/xgPlB4Q

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There are people doing surgery during the new year countdown.

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Submitted November 04, 2023 at 12:06AM by David_Umann https://ift.tt/wt32X0K

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A pen can only be a weapon if your adversary can read.

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Submitted November 03, 2023 at 12:23AM by zorrocaesar https://ift.tt/BPpWsH3

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Everyone is pissed at shitty selfish kids stealing candy but when a package is incorrectly delivered the parents of these kids keep it instead of walking it over to the correct address.

Where do you think kids are learning this crap from?

Submitted November 02, 2023 at 01:06AM by GoodGoodGoody https://ift.tt/k1dA6b3

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Hate is a lot easier to describe than Love.

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Submitted November 02, 2023 at 12:21AM by Traffodil https://ift.tt/5cedAbz

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