Tonight was the night I officially went ''fuck this shit''.
My father, who I have not seen for 11 years, and who lives in a different country, came around as a type of reunion. My dad is here for 3 more days before he has to go back home, so we're making the most of it.
My dad came in to my room with a smile on his face wanting to look at the YouTube challenges videos so we can both have a good laugh. One of them was the cinnamon challenge, another was the chilli pepper challenge. We must of laughed like 5 times for every clip because my dad kept asking me to replay it in slow motion to laugh even harder at the clips.
In the related videos section was the ice bucket challenge which included very strange ice bucket challenges like a truck filled with water that is poured onto 3 big looking guys and they start screaming like girls.
Me and my dad had a good laugh and it made my mood feel much better, because I wasn't feeling physically healthy today because I'm having a flair up of symptoms associated with my Chiari Malformation.
Anyway my mom came in and then asked me why I was making fun of her condition, I said I wasn't, she said ''well your dad thinks it's hilarious'' and I tried to explain ''the videos are done for charity and to raise awareness of ALS'' but she made me out to be a bad person because we found popular YouTube challenge videos funny, even though the titles had 'funny' in the title and everyone in the comments loved the video compilation.
I've been feeling like shit for the rest of tonight. I was looking forward to a Chinese takeout since yesterday, I literally ate less than 1/3rd of the food.
I still remember back in 2013 when my best friend died in an accident she told me to grow up because I was crying at the fact that he's gone, and I'll miss him. It's like I'm not supposed to show any emotions whether it be sadness, anger, joy, or laughter. She also makes me feel like a bad person if I ever mention that I'm depressed from the symptoms that Chiari gives me and how I'm in pain every day all day and I keep having seizures every day with no end in sight.
My dad's mood seems to be bad now, he tried to do funny stuff or make jokes in front of me and my mom and I just stood there with a blank face not laughing or even smiling. When she asked why I wasn't laughing I said my new persona is a robot and I am going to be a robot from now on. I told my dad we are not going to watch anymore funny videos or make jokes anymore.
Sometimes I just feel like taking a sleeping pill overdose and ending it all (I only have 3 Temazapam on me right now, I get a 10 a month prescription of Temazapam, and 10 Zopiclone a month). What world is this where I can't express something as simple as joy or laughter without being shit on?
Should I just be a robot to protect myself? I mean specifically in front of my mother, but I'd act like my normal/true self when I am only with friends, doctors, psychiatrists, co workers etc?
When I'm feeling upset my dad comforts me, he laughs with me, if I'm feeling stressed he understands, doesn't gatekeep me, etc.
Submitted September 30, 2020 at 04:47AM by sosckandtiredofthis https://ift.tt/3inxbtL