It has been on my mind lately, which I achieved though critical thinking that I may be mentally ill. I mean it is already widely known in my circle that I have ADHD and that has been improving a lot, really, some people don't even know or notice it. But I personally do believe that even though my ADHD is improving, I still believe that there is something worse.
I've been doing some research, with my own symptoms in my mind. I think I may suffer from things like: personality disorder, bipolar disorder, OCD, Schizotypal personality disorder. Not all of them, ofcourse but I can find myself a lot in that.
To make the reader able to answer the question, I will provide you ofcourse with a list of symptoms.
My mood goes up and down, sometimes extreme happy, sometimes extreme suicidal ( I came close to attempting and thought that I wouldn't live beyond 3 months ) this however also may be due to my porn addiction for which I have been struggling almost 3 years now but I'm breaking through now, longest streak being clean: 63 days, ( I relapsed due to 'rejection' of my crush, she gave her number however but she had a boyfriend and I really thought that she hated me ) now: 7 days clean.
I have a very hard time trusting people and telling secrets. I usually tell it to older peers and not my friends. Usually when I tell my friends they don't really help for my feeling.
I sometimes hate my friends, or people I work with. Out of nothing I'm like: she/he can go te hell, I'm going to be short-distanced towards them or mean' Minute later I'm nicely talking with them and laughing. I also believe that they sometimes have negative thoughts about me, that especially with girls that they dislike me. So in order to avoid rejection which hurts, I may simply stop attaching to them and become irrationally mean to them. HOWEVER I did ask a girl which I truly liked her number and made it clear that her boyfriend is a very lucky guy. After that however I thought: She just does it out of empathy and think I'm a creep' which may not just be a bad interpretation but truth itself.
I believe or know that I'm on my way to becoming a smart/genius/great guy. I admire Mozart, Beethoven, Nietzsche, Jordan Peterson, many philosophers and writers for their geniuses and hard work. I read a lot, and I mean it, a lot of books, I try to memorize it like it really matters. Philosophy and history is my main goal, I love it and I just truly want to contribute something. Sometimes though I really doubt myself and think that I will never make it, so it's not like a permanent illusion.
I am sometimes social awkward, and have a hard time talking normally without stuttering or pronouncing words wrong. I'm usually a fun guy to be around, I'm very good with humor and people sometimes come to me at work to just have a talk with me, so I assume that they like me. But sometimes it's just awkward.
I perceive life as meaningless, although in some sense I believe we can create illusion-like meaning. In philosophical terms: I'm a nihilist.
I don't go to parties due to not having many friends. I left many friends because I didn't saw them as friends anymore. Although they are ready to take me back in the group ( After 2 years I made contact again ) I'm still not sure whether I should do it. Like I want to be social, have friends but at the same time I don't want to because...I don't know, something prevents me.
I have sleep problems, I have trouble falling asleep, I am sure that I have insomnia
I'm obsessed with my health, I eat very healthy, stopped drinking alcohol 2 years ago ( I'm 19 now and stopped when I was 17, very unorthodox, but I actually stopped because I think alcohol is giving me undeserved pleasure, like how Nietzsche saw it ), don't smoke, going to the gym ( Although I show signs of over training )
I care about humanity deeply or at least people around me. I help friends a lot with their problems ( They acknowledge it themselves ), I am very interested in others, ask a lot of questions, support them. So although I may have social awkwardness or asocial behavior I am still improving the lives of others and putting a lot of effort in it. Sometimes though I think like I said before: let's just not help them, I am going to start ignoring them for now, they don't care about me at all. Usually due to a minor incident, like not answering to my text or not showing interest in me.
There is a girl I like a bit, not my crush though. But last time she just went on a break without me, and I was like in my mind: She can go to hell, she doesn't care about you, let's be short-distanced to her' Or when she talked to a other boy. It is for sure something like jealousy, which I have been suffering from since my childhood with even towards friends. I remember that I saw a friend of mine talking to another guy and I started crying ( I was 13/y o ). It has become less though and it not always comes forward.
Remember I suffer from porn addiction. I kid you not, this is for real. It may be that this is the cause of everything or I'm just truly messed up in my head.
Thank you for reading
Thank you for answering!
Submitted April 22, 2018 at 10:23PM by wallythedude https://ift.tt/2vwvl6k
